


5 times Alexander thought he wasn't enough (and the one time he was)

by stqrryniqhts



Category: Alexander Hamilton - Ron Chernow, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton - Freeform, Alexander Hamilton Being Alexander Hamilton, Alexander Hamilton Has Anxiety, Alexander Hamilton has Nightmares, Alexander Hamilton is George Washington's Adopted Son, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, F/M, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Hurt Alexander Hamilton, Past Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Past Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 17:53:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20586593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stqrryniqhts/pseuds/stqrryniqhts
Summary: Alexander somehow thought he knew in his heart that he could never be enough for the people around him, and it was so terribly heartbreaking he couldn't hardly stand it.But then Eliza forgave him.





	5 times Alexander thought he wasn't enough (and the one time he was)

**Author's Note:**

> lolol this has been lingering in my unfinished works for a longggg time so here y'all go <33

1\. James Hamilton

Alexander grew up without a family.

He remembers the details of his mother's death, the way his father had left them years before. He can still see the vivid memories of his cousin in his dreams, scarring his childlike mind and forcing him to face reality at such a young age. Memories turn into flashbacks, and flashbacks turn into panic attacks, it's just how it always worked.

When Alex had found his cousin that day, his young mind didn't understand what was happening until years later. At the moment he wondered why his cousin had done such a thing, that maybe if Alexander had been there to help him, he would still be alive. Or maybe if he had worked harder, or paid closer attention to his older companion, young Alex would get to see another day with James.

As he grew up he was on his own.

Alexander's teenage years were filled with hunger and pain, but that didn't stop him. He became in charge of a trading charter at the age of fourteen, and when a hurricane destroyed his tiny island years later, he did what he knew he could do best, _he wrote his way out._  
The people of the small community read what the boy had written, and they realized he could help them. Alexander Hamilton was sent to New York, with the sense of hope.  
Maybe he could be enough.

But one thing was for sure in his mind, _Alexander wasn't enough to save his cousin._

2\. The city

When Alex arrived at the bustling city of New York, he could hardly believe his eyes. Though he was scarred from the fire on the ship and the treacherous waves in the ocean from which he came, he had forgotten it all in these fleeting moments of wonder.

People passed him by without a second glance, hurrying to do what they had planned for the day.

And he wanted to be a part of it.

He longed for the feeling of happiness, a feeling of having a home to go to after work, a workspace where you can do what you love from day to day. These things sounded almost whimsical to the young man, the things here so much different from his tiny island. But looking back on it, he had the tiniest chance of hope that maybe, just maybe, he could be enough in this city.

3\. John Laurens.

The name he had learned so early in his coming to the colonies now sent a jolt through his veins each time he even thought of him. Though he knew it was odd to love a man so much, that didn't stop him from flirting with certain phrases he had used with his wife Eliza many times before. He swore to never let her see these letters, for they were almost sacred to him. Each word that came from the man across the rolling hills was so special, he feared someone might take away the sort of magic they held in his heart.

He looked forward to the day when they would meet again, the war just being too much for Hamilton at times. John and Eliza both seemed to be his escape other than writing, and though he knew he had already chosen his dear wife over the handsome man, he couldn't help but think of what life would have been like if he hadn't.

Alexander wasn't sure if he could provide all he could for Eliza. And now he had a son too? They were his entire world, and he would do anything for them. But he wondered, if he had stayed for Laurens... could he have been enough?

4\. Maria Reynolds.

Alexander had hit rock bottom. He was so exhausted and so damn tired he could've collapsed there on the street that day when he met her.

And god was she beautiful.

As soon as Alex had laid eyes on Maria, he had no intentions of sleeping with her. She asked him for money, and possibly a walk home, to which he obliged on doing gratefully, taking pity on her. But when they had gotten to her house, Alexander stepped inside.

He couldn't really comprehend how big this was. Eliza would be heartbroken if she found out, his children would despise him, his reputation and legacy... ruined.

But to Alexander at the time, it didn't seem to matter. Maria was a past time, something to do when he was stressed or feeling too overwhelmed with work. He hardly had any emotional ties to her, but only when he got in trouble with her husband was when it all went wrong.

James Reynolds found out.

_And he demanded money_.

For once, just for _one time_, Alexander was starting to believe that he could have been enough for Maria, but in the end he had to leave her, and he was far from being enough to provide for her.

5\. Philip Hamilton  
  


His son.

Alexander may have darkened his own world with the shadows of what he had done, but nothing could light up the darkness quite like his son did.

Philip was his pride and joy.

No matter what was happening, his son was there. They talked together about anything, they confided in each other. Everything about this father son relationship was what Hamilton's father had neglected to nurture him with when he was young. Alex promised himself that nothing would get in between his love for his son, not even his demons from his past.

Philip came home one day and was upset.

Someone had talked bad about his father and he was not about to let it slide. And soon, young Philip went off into his first duel.

And Alexander found out that the only thing that could come between him and his son, was death.

He mourned, because it was his fault that his son was dead.

He sent him off to the duel, he gave him the guns, he encouraged him that it would all be alright, but in reality it was all wrong.

Alex knew he could never be enough for anyone.

\+ 1 Eliza Hamilton.

When Alex first came to America, you could tell that everyone loved him. Especially the ladies.

Now sure, the young man knew of this, he always had.

But one special person caught his eye that _wasn't_ his John, it was Eliza Schuyler.

She was beautiful, kind, compassionate, strong, and caring. She was all the things that Alexander's mother was and more. _That was enough for Alex._

The got married and had a beautiful ceremony, though not many were there to see it because of the war going on. Not long later, they had their first son, Philip, who grew up and was gone too soon.

Then was Maria Reynolds.

Eliza was heartbroken, and Alexander realized that he was the cause of it. His children didn't really understand, only the older ones knew what was happening. The smaller kids would ask their daddy why mommy was sad sometimes, and Alexander would reply with the same answer.

_He wasn't enough._

Alexander somehow thought he knew in his heart that he could never be enough for the people around him, and it was so terribly heartbreaking he couldn't hardly stand it.

But then Eliza forgave him.

He couldn't believe it. All the things he had put her through, all the moments he was a terrible husband, a terrible father to their kids, a terrible person for cheating on her.

Yet Eliza decided,

_Alexander was enough for her._

**Author's Note:**

> ugh crappy ending I know, oh well


End file.
